Mending Broken Familes

In today's society we are seeing increasing numbers of broken families. These could be because of a death in the family and divorce. It is a beautiful thing when two broken families are able to come together and help one another. These families are sometimes referred to as step families, blended families, remarried families, and reconstituted families. These families are able to have a second shot at life and can begin to build up all that was previously torn down. It is an incredible process that presents it's own challenges at times. Both the children and parents have specific challenges to overcome. Some of these would be the children's acceptance of the new parent, each member of the family accepting their roles, and discipline. Some suggestions that help are that the birth parent does all the heavy discipline. This helps the children to better accept the new parent without getting any real blemishes on their relationship. It is also good for the step parent to be like a terrific aunt or uncle.

Why Parenting?

Parenting; what a sacred obligation! It is sad to see how many families, households, and relationships are being thrown out the window in todays world. Are parents taking their roles in the family seriously? What are their roles? I would mainly like to talk about the roles of parents in the world we live in today. Michael Popkin said that the purpose of parents are "to protect and prepare children to survive and thrive in the world in which they will live." Parents can help their children to do this in many different ways and parenting styles. There are two very distinct parenting styles that parents need to try and avoid. They are authoritarian and permissive parenting. Authoritarian parenting is manipulating, controlling, and getting cooperation through fear and coercion. Permissive parenting lacks strength and structure. Neither of these techniques are healthy for the children. They learn to see life through a different lens and filter. Children need to be given contact so that they feel like they belong, responsibility, protection up to a point, and challenges. All of these in healthy measure is a great way for children to grow and develop.

My Father and His Influence

My father is a protector through and through. Time and time again he has accomplished many grand feats in order to protect his family. One of his greatest feats was a struggle of life and death. He was crushed by a horse when I was in the 4^th grade. He doesn’t talk about it very much, but he attributes his very drive to survive to his love for his family. He didn’t want to leave us. My father knew the damage that would happen, the scars that would be made, and the memories that never would have been. He knew he had to be there for his family. I was once is a car accident, only minor, and I was pinned with my foot stuck in the door. Against all odds, my dad was able to lift the car off of me. He is my hero.

            My father is a giver. He gives of his time, money, and resources to help his family be happy. For my father, nothing was more important than the time he was able to spend with his family. His work would often take him away for extended amounts of time, but he would still call. We knew that when my dad came home, he was home. We all make sacrifices in order to benefit others. My father’s sacrifice was himself. He gave himself to the family and we all knew it. I know that he loves my mom and all of his children. He would go through hell and back in order to help his family.

I have learned many things from my father and I want to implement many of those into my future family. I envision taking an active role in my children’s lives by always being there for them. I want there to be no doubt in their mind that they are more important to me than work. They need to have that knowledge. I won’t hold back my love on the silly basis that I am tired from a long day at work. I will make the sacrifices necessary to be with my family throughout the thick and thin that life has to offer.

I want to be able to do and become all of the things above, but I know that it won’t just come to me. I won’t just one day be the perfect father. It will be an adventure with many ups and downs, but that is what will bring us closer. I want to begin to prepare now to be the father I want to be then. “Today I will do the things other people won’t so tomorrow I can do the things other people can’t.” Another quote I love is this, “You become who you want to be by consistently being who you want to become.”

I love fatherhood and recognize the divine roles engraved in this sacred calling. I can’t wait until the day that I can become a father and start a family of my own. Until then, it is my job to prepare and be worthy at all times. 

What Are You Really Saying?

Communication is essential for any relationship to work! The foundation of any successful marriage and family would be proper communication. Some might argue that they always make sure not to say mean words. Well sometimes that isn't enough. Only 14% of the communication we convey is relayed through words. The rest of what we communicate is interpreted via tone and nonverbal cues. 35% of the communication we receive is by way of tone and the remaining 51% is by our nonverbal signals. Knowing this makes me take a double look at what message I am really sending to those that I am communicating to those that I interact with. What are you saying? In what tone do you say, "I am not angry"? What nonverbal cues are you sending? It is very important for us to be aware of these and make sure to act appropriately.

When it Comes Crashing Down

What event will change the very dynamic of your family? The death of a loved one, a severe car accident, or maybe a ugly divorce? These events can be detrimental to the structure of the of a family. Between the combination of the actual event, resources and application, and cognitions, we gain the total experience of the family crisis event. There are many effective and ineffective coping methods. A list of ineffective coping mechanisms is denial, avoidance, scapegoating, and substance abuse. It is very important that we avoid falling into and getting caught in any of these. It is tough to suggest any effective coping mechanism because it varies so much per every person. There are a few different methods that can make a difference. They are to take responsibility, affirm your own and your family's worth, balance self-concern with other-concern, and to learn the art of reframing. These methods will effectively allow you or any other who is struggling to better cope with the stresses of a family crisis.

Marriage, The Struggle is Real!

There are many different struggles that are associated with marriage. I would like to discuss some of the struggles that aren't often thought about by a young engaged couple. Many struggles arise in the first month. These couples must learn how to how to negotiate house work, cope with different standards of cleanliness, get used to the constant companionship of your spouse, manage
conflict, $haring, and how each of you spend your recreational time. Some other struggles only surface after being married an extended amount of time. Some of these would be whose house you spend holidays at, establishing rules of communication, and how to avoid judgement.

All of these could be debilitating for marriages depending on the severity of each spouses reactions. I feel that one of the most important factors that can help save any marriage is communication. If a couple could truly communicate effectively, they would be effect in a walks of life. They would be able to become a closer couple with a strong bond.  

Oh, The Dating Life!

I feel that it is important to understand the nature of love before we can look too deep into why people fall in love. According to the Greeks there are four kinds of love; storge, phillia, eros, and agape. Storge is the kind of love that exists between a mother and a child. Phillia is a love between friends with shared perspectives, experiences, etc. Eros is the kind of love that gets most of us into trouble. Eros is contains passion, arousal, romance, and sexuality. Agape is on the other side of the spectrum as Eros. Agape is Christ-like love. It is tender, kind, and thoughtful. Now that we know what these kinds of love are we can begin to play with them a little bit. What kinds of love are most important for those who are looking to get into relationships? Does it even matter? I want to propose now that it matters a lot how you show your love to the girl or boy that you love.

There is a model that we put together called the RAM (Relationship Attachment Model). It states that we shouldn't trust somebody more than we know them, that we shouldn't rely more on somebody than we trust them, that we shouldn't commit to them more than we rely on them, and that we shouldn't have higher levels of touch than what the commitment level is. I feel that this is very important. There is moderation in all things and this is an important one to get it straight with. Relationships should flow in this order, dating, courtship, engagement, and marriage. Do you see how these two models go together? These should be distinct steps in the relationship process. It is important to walk from step to step and not slide from step to step. Relationships that jump through the hoops super fast are more likely to end in divorce.